


Moonbound

by KeyholeCat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Lusii, Multi, Species Swap, Were-Creatures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-18
Updated: 2012-05-25
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeyholeCat/pseuds/KeyholeCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU in which the trolls are victims of a mysterious curse which transforms them into terrible beasts. Along the way they meet a few new, yet oddly familiar, friends.</p><p>Includes illustrations for nearly every chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Karkat: Ruin Everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Also on Tumblr: curseofthemoonbound.tumblr.com

 

**Karkat: Ruin everything.**

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are seven sweeps of age. It is early in the dark season, the nights have been getting longer, and the moons’ cycles are nearing synchronization in their perigees. It is silent except for the whirring of your computer station and the ceaseless tapping of your fingernails upon the desk. You’re not sure where your dimwitted lusus is, and frankly you don’t really care. After you finish compiling this code you’ve been working on for weeks, you doubt you’ll ever need to worry about him again.

What you are doing is activating a ~.ATH file that is meant to make your lusus less of a fucking moron. Whether or not it will truly have that effect is yet to be seen; though you had some help from your friend Sollux, you didn’t send him the finished copy for him to double-check, so for all you know, you could be about to turn Crabdad into a rabid, thirty-story beast bent on destroying trollkind. Your projects tend to go that route, anyway.

Your eyes burn as you stare at the loading bar. It’s been growing at an agonizingly sluggish pace. How you’ve managed not to overturn the desk in a fit of impatience is a mystery even to you. You guess you’re just tired.

Some idiot starts trolling you. You keep the window minimized. You don’t feel like dealing with any idiots tonight. The file is nearly finished, anyway.

Your computer pings and the code flickers before you, no doubt carrying out your commands dutifully and without unpleasant side effects. You hear an exclamation of protest in the form of a particularly poignant _SKREE!_ coming from downstairs. You grit your teeth and dash over to the entrance of your respiteblock. You hold out for some sign of a change in Crabdad’s behavior, but he remains silent. Holding your breath, you head downstairs to his usual spot, making sure to stay hidden for fear of the worst.

He isn’t even there. You relax and check all around the hive, but the shabby crab is nowhere to be found. Part of you wonders where he wandered off to. The other part of you doesn’t give a shit. You grasp your face in exasperation and groan. Wherever he is, he probably deserves what’s coming to him. He always does.

You return to your respiteblock and spend a few minutes doing nothing in particular besides flipping through the latest issue of Troll People Magazine. God, Troll Miranda Cosgrove is such a poser. She’d be completely unbearable if she didn’t star in that half-baked sitcom that you are teased for enjoying.

In a few minutes you are thinking about your lusus again. Really, you just want to see what that code did. Grumbling, you make your way to the front door and step outside, since, logically, that’s the only place he could be, unless he turned invisible or shrunk in size. You look around, but the only thing you notice is that one of the moons—the pink one—is full.

Suddenly you are enraged. Where the ever-living fuck did that reeking hunk of shell wander off to? What the hell was he thinking? You clench and unclench your fists like you aren’t sure what to do with your hands. Your teeth gnash and your muscles twitch in some unnatural display of fury. For a moment something like panic flashes in your mind as you realize that you aren’t really in control of your actions. Alarmed, you glance back up at the moon, as if it’s some sort of safety beacon that could save you from whatever was happening. Then everything goes dark.

 

**Karkat: Wake up.**

When you wake, you are lying flat on your back in the middle of your nourishblock, wearing nothing but some shredded strips of your shirt and some ratty shorts that you’re pretty sure used to be your pants. You come to your senses slowly, rubbing your eyes and attempting to sit up. Your head feels like it is swelling and imploding at the same time. Your bones ache and your muscles feel like they’ve been stretched to the limit. When you finally manage to gather yourself, you notice what a mess you’re in. The chillvessel door is all but ripped from its hinges. Warm roe cubes adorn the floor, some of them half-eaten, some of them crushed into the stony floor. Crabdad was here, alright. The question is, where have you been?

You somehow balance on your two wobbly legs and spot the rest of your shredded clothes scattered about the room near the entrance of your hive. Fuck, you think, what the hell happened here? If Crabdad really did have something to do with this, you swear to God, you will personally cull him with your own two hands. Or at least throw your sylladex at him. That shit is heavier than the flowing tears of an orphaned wriggler.  
You eventually stumble over to your room and sit yourself back at your computer station. For some reason you think that now is as good a time as any to answer whoever was bothering you before. Maybe they have an idea about this whole issue. Or maybe they should just mind their own fucking business. Probably the latter, you decide. You open the window nonetheless.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TA: KK.  
TA: hey.  
TA: ii 2ee you there.  
TA: oh come on KK ii know how two work the viiewport ii can 2ee you ju2t 2iittiing there.  
TA: fiine just iignore me and leave iit2 not liike iim actually worth talkiing two a22hole.  
TA: but when your 2tupiid program kiill2 everyone iin a 2 miile radiiu2 dont come crying two me.  


  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You decide not to consult Sollux on this matter. If he knew how badly you’d fucked up, you’d never hear the end of it. You are looking through you trollslum to pick out a victim when someone else pesters you.

[GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GC: K4RK4T K4RK4T K4RK4T  
GC: K4RK4T K4RKAT K4RK4T K4RK4T!  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: BEFORE ANOTHER UTTERANCE OF MY IDENTITY SHOOTS OUT OF YOUR SEEDFLAP LIKE A FLAMING HUNK OF PROJECTILE VOMIT  
CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT AN ANGEL VISITED ME WHILE I WAS SCRAPING THE MOLD OFF MY THINKPAN.  
CG: AND IN HIS TERRIBLE, UNHOLY MIGHT, HE INSTRUCTED ME TO DELIVER THIS MESSAGE TO YOU:  
CG: I  
CG: DON’T  
CG: GIVE  
CG: A  
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUCK.  
GC: K4RK4444444444T  
CG: OH FOR THE LOVE FOR ALL THAT IS STEAMED AND DIPPED IN GRUBSAUCE, WHAT IS IT?  
GC: SOM3TH1NG T3RR1BL3 H4S H4PP3N3D!  
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW 1F 1T W4S TH3 WORK OF 4N 4SS4SS1N OR SOM3 R4R3 FOR3ST D1S3AS3  
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 SUDD3NLY 4ND MYST3R1OUSLY GON3 COMPL3T3LY BL1ND!  
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE TEREZI.  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL? DO YOU THINK I’M THAT STUPID? A WRIGGLER WOULDN’T FALL FOR SUCH AN OBVIOUS PRANK.  
GC: >:?  
CG: HOW COULD YOU BE TROLLING ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU WERE BLIND? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.  
GC: BUT K4RK4T 1T 1S TRU3! 1 C4NNOT S33 4 TH1NG >:[  
GC: BUT 3V3N THOUGH MY V1S1ON 1S GON3 1 C4N ST1LL G3T AROUND  
GC: B3C4US3 1 C4N SM3LL TH1NGS!  
CG: I LITERALLY CANNOT CONCEIVE THE BULLSHIT YOU ARE TRYING TO SHOVE DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE RIGHT NOW.  
GC: TRUST M3 K4RK4T 1 COULD NOT B3L13V3 1T MYS3LF 4T F1RST!  
GC: 1 W4S JUST CONF3RR1NG W1TH MY F3LLOW 1NV3ST1G4TORS WH3N SUDD3NLY 3V3RYTH1NG W3NT D4RK!  
GC: ONLY 1T W4SNT R34LLY D4RK B3C4US3 1 COULD S33 W1TH MY NOS3 1F TH4T M4K3S S3NSE  
CG: YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH SENSE THAT MAKES. IT’S ALL CLEAR TO ME NOW!  
CG: IT IS CLEAR TO ME THAT YOU HAVE EITHER GONE COMPLETELY INSANE OR ARE JUST UNBELIEVABLY TERRIBLE AT PRACTICAL JOKES.  
GC: SHOOSH YOU! >:[  
GC: BUT TH3 STR4NG3ST P4RT OF TH1S WHOL3 PR3D1C4M3NT 1S TH4T 1 C4N SM3LL 4ND T4ST3 L1K3 TH1S 4S 1F 1 H4V3 B33N DO1NG 1T MY 3NT1R3 L1F3  
CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL GOING ON WITH THIS.  
CG: I HAVE THOUROUGHLY CRUSHED THIS IDIOTIC RUSE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS AND YOU ARE STILL RAVING ABOUT IT LIKE A CHUMP.  
GC: BLUH >:[  
GC: F1N3 DONT B3L13V3 M3 BUT THAT 1SNT TH3 ONLY B4D TH1NG TH4T 1S H4PP3N1NG H3R3  
GC: 1 H4V3 CONF3RR3D W1TH MY LOY4L T3AM OF 1NV3ST1GATORS 4ND TH3Y 4LL 4GR33 TH4T SOM3TH1NG FOUL 1S 4FOOT H3R3!  
CG: I’M A LITTLE BUSY FOR YOUR JUVENILE PLUSH MURDER TRIALS RIGHT NOW.  
CG: AND BY RIGHT NOW, I MEAN EVER. GET LOST.  
GC: TH3Y 4R3 NOT JUV3N1L3! SOM3ON3 H4S TO BR1NG TH3M TO JUST1CE! 1 AM TH3 ONLY S3LF-C3RT1F13D L3G1SL4C3R4TOR FOR M1L3S  
GC: B3S1D3S 1 W4S NOT R3F3RR1NG TO 4NY COURT R3L4T3D BUS1N3SS  
GC: 1 TH1NK MY LUSUS M4Y B3 M1SS1NG  
CG: WHAT? YOUR LUSUS IS A GIANT FUCKING EGG, HOW DOES THAT EVEN A THING THAT HAPPENS?  
CG: IF THIS IS SOME MORE ROLEPLAYING SHIT THAT YOU JUST MADE UP OFF THE TOP OF YOUR GREASY, SALIVA-FILLED THINK PAN, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SUMMON SUCH A TORRENT OF BULGE-BURSTING RHETORIC THAT NO DRONE-FEARING TROLL WILL EVER EVEN FATHOM TO TACTFULLY FONDLE THEIRSELF AGAIN.  
GC: K4RK4T TH4T 1S NO W4Y TO SP34K TO A L4DY!  
GC: 4ND NO TH1S 1SNT SOM3 RUS3 TO G3T YOUR GO4TB34ST  
GC: THOUGH 1F 1T W4S 1 WOULD S4Y TH4T 1 SUCC33D3D T3NFOLD >:]  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
GC: 4ND 4NYW4Y 1 KNOW TH4T MY LUSUS 1S GON3 B3C4US3 1 H34RD TH3 B4L4NC3 T1P  
GC: 1T 1S NOW UTT3RLY UNB4L4NC3D!  
GC: BUT STR4NG3LY 3NOUGH TH3 WORLD D1D NOT 3ND OR G1V3 4NY 1ND1C4T1ON OF 3ND1NG  
GC: B3C4US3 TH4T 1S WH4T TH3 B4L4NC3 1S FOR BY TH3 W4Y  
GC: K4RK4T?  
GC: 1T 1S RUD3 TO 1GNOR3 P3OPL3 K4RK4T!  
CG: SORRY, I WAS TRYING TO SIFT THROUGH ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT WAS SEEPING FROM MY KEYBOARD. YOU WERE SAYING?  
GC: S11111111111GN  
GC: F1N3 1F YOU ST1LL WONT B3L31V3 M3 JUST PL34S3 4NSW3R ON3 QU3ST1ON  
GC: WH3R3 1S YOUR LUSUS NOW?  
CG: I DON’T KNOW, WHO THE FUCK CARES. GOOD RIDDANCE I SAY.  
GC: W41T YOU M34N H3 1S GON3? HMMMM HOW V3RY CUR1OUS! 4ND Y3T YOU R3FUS3 TO B3L13V3 TH4T MY LUSUS 1S GON3 4S W3LL  
GC: YOU M1GHT W4NT TO G3T YOUR STORY STRA1GHT MR V4NT4S!  
CG: I NEVER SAID HE WAS MISSING, IDIOT. I JUST HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A FEW HOURS.  
CG: AT LEAST I THINK IT’S BEEN HOURS. MY THINKPAN HAS BEEN ROTTING AS I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE SO FORGIVE ME IF I START FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND TWITCHING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME WITHOUT REALIZING IT.  
GC: YOU KNOW WH4T 1 TH1NK TH4T 1 W1LL JUST GO OUTS1D3 4ND T4K3 4 SN4PSHOT OF TH3 CR1M3SC3N3 MYS3LF 1F YOU WONT B3L13V3 M3  
GC: 1T W1LL B3 GOOD TO H4V3 WH3N 1 4M 1NV3ST1G4T1NG L4T3R 4NYW4Y  
GC: B3 R1GHT B4CK  
CG: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.  
CG: IN FACT, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA. I THINK I’LL GO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE DESK WHILE I WAIT, SINCE OBVIOUSLY I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO LISTEN TO YOUR INANE GARBAGE.  
CG: MAYBE I’LL SEE HOW FAST I GET A CONCUSSION. FOR SCIENCE OF COURSE.  
CG: GOD FORBID I ACTUALLY HAVE A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN.  
CG: …  
CG: TEREZI?  
CG: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?  
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.  
CG: JUST SEND ME THE FILE WHEN YOU GET IT, OKAY?  
CG: I HAVE BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.  


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

You’ve had enough of her for one night. You shove all the nonsense about blindness and her lusus to the rear of your thinkpan and cross your arms, sighing loudly. You aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself now. You suppose you could clean up the mess in your nourishblock.  
The roe cubes are room temperature by now. You sweep them up with a broom and dump them in the waste receptacle. It is all very boring and you almost regret leaving your computer station, but someone has to do it.

There are some cubes that the broom cannot reach, such as the ones that skittered under the chillvessel or the conflagration condenser. For these ones you must reach under the appliance and retrieve them. They are usually covered in filth, as neither you nor your lusus ever bother to clean under this junk. There is one that you grab, though, that is mysteriously clean. For some reason you weigh it in your hand, appraising it as if it is anything special. The substance rubs off on your fingers; it has a pasty, almost rubbery consistency. You wonder why Crabdad likes them so much. You tried them once a few sweeps ago, but they didn’t tickle your fancy. And by not tickling your fancy, you mean you promptly spat them out. But now… now, as you turn the cube in your hand, it just looks so appealing. You suppose just one bite couldn’t hurt. You split a small piece off with your fingers and pop it in your mouth.

Your eyes widen. This cube… this cube is possibly the greatest thing to ever slither across your gustation receptors and down your protein chute. The flavors seem to swim about your tongue and leave you feeling absolutely twitterpated, whatever the hell that means. How could you have ever hated this stuff? And more importantly, is there any left? You scour the chillvessel, but there is nothing but crumbs and smears left behind. Desperate, your attention wanders over to the waste receptacle. The discarded cubes couldn’t be too bad, could they…?

It only takes you a few moments to realize how stupid you are being. One taste of a roe cube that’s been lying on the ground for an unspecified amount of time, and you go batshit crazy. You snort, slam-dunk the rest of the cube into the waste receptacle, and stomp over to the nearest viewing portal and scowl out of it. You don’t see Crabdad anywhere, of course. Not that you bother looking very hard. Since you woke up from… whatever had happened to you, you hadn’t really been worried about him. Considering how much you avoid him, it doesn’t even really feel like he’s gone, just that he’s in some other room.  
You shake yourself from your thoughts and head back to your respiteblock. It’s about time you got back to Sollux, and maybe check if Terezi ever returned.


	2. Nepeta: Be the hero of shipping that Alternia needs.

 

**Nepeta: Be the hero of shipping that Alternia needs.**

     You are now Nepeta Leijon, and you have just woken up from a nice catnap. You yawn widely and stretch your lean muscles. It seems that you had a late night, though it isn’t yet dawn, you think. You don’t really remember coming in from the hunt. You must have dozed off while stalking prey, after which your lusus carried you back to your cave. Yes, that must be it, because your clothes are covered in ghost-white fur. She is such a good kitty. Though you do wonder where your hat, shoes, tail, and gloves went. How strange.

     It looks like she went out to hunt. It’s just as well, since obviously your hunt was unsuccessful. Weird that you should fall asleep while hunting, but sometimes silly things happen and there’s nothing you can really do about it except take extra catnaps.

     You notice that Pounce left the door open. What a careless little kitty! She knows better than to do that. Maybe she thought it would wake you up. You crawl on your hands and knees over to the door and shut it, making sure the kitty-door is unlocked.

     You decide to take this opportunity to consult your sacred shipping wall. Last you heard from anybody, Kanaya had finally confessed her red feelings for Vriska. You aren’t sure whether Vriska reciprocates those feelings, but hey, a ship is a ship! Actually, you must admit, though you are a self-proclaimed master shipper, you can’t say that you saw this one coming. You mean, Kanaya is so nice, and Vriska can be purrty nasty sometimes! You’d always thought they were fit more for a moirallegiance than anything, though that is what they had before, more or less.

     You wonder about Vriska and Tavros, though. Last you spoke to him, he mentioned that she trolls him every now and again out of the blue (you chuckle at this because you think that was a purrty good pun) and antagonizes him. Luckily, in his case, nothing bad has ever been borne by her mischief, but you offered words of encouragement to him nonetheless. But you are rambling to yourself; you need to get back to business! Could Vriska be going pitch for Tavros? You have often wondered about this while updating your shipping wall. Their relationship certainly is strange. You decide to leave the two as they are on the wall. You will definitely need to add the bit about Kanaya, though.

     After you make the adjustments, you flop onto one of the skins adorning your cave’s floor. Being a romantic expurrt sure is tiring! You feel that you are due for another catnap already.

 

**Nepeta: Answer your moirail.**

     You are kneading the pelt in preparation for a nap when you hear a _ping_ come from your tablet computer. Someone is trolling you! You get up and skip over to the tablet.

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] has begun trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

CT: D--> Nepeta I demand that you answer me at once  
CT: D--> It is a matter most urgent  
AC: :33 < *ac perks up and bounds over to the furendly horseman!*  
CT: D--> This is no time for imaginary horseplay Nepeta  
CT: D--> Something foul is ahoof  
AC: :33 <  *ac straightens up and adopts a furry serious dispurrsition* whats wrong equius? are you okay?  
CT: D--> Yes and no  
CT: D--> I have just spent half a night galloping about trying to make heads or tails of the situation  
CT: D--> Literally galloping  
AC: :33 < oh! did you finally tame a hoofbeast and go fur a ride?   
CT: D--> No  
CT: D--> Perhaps I should start from the beginning  
AC: :33 < okay! :3   
CT: D--> I was waiting for Aurthour to return from retrieving herbs from the garden when suddenly I heard a rather unpleasant e%clamation  
CT: D--> And when I stepped out to investigate, I turned into a centaur  
AC: :33 < oh! you tricked me! you said we werent rolepurrlaying  
AC: :33 < *ac twitches her whiskers as the big brutes pranksters gambit shoots to his favfur*  
CT: D--> Oh for pity’s sake Nepeta I am not roleplaying  
AC: :33 < *ac tips her head in curiousity* what do you mean?   
CT: D--> I mean that when I stepped outside, I transformed into a magnificent centaur  
CT: D--> With STRONG flanks, a bushy mustache, and a beautiful, flowing tail  
CT: D--> And an udder fit for a king  
AC: :33 < *ac is not really sure what to think of the strong trolls words*  
CT: D--> This is the abso100t truth  
AC: :33 < oh my! *the kitty sees that the horse man is being furry serious!*  
AC: :33 <  but if you were galloping around outside did vwriskers see you?   
CT: D--> Not that I am aware of but this brings me to our ne%t concern  
CT: D--> Her giant spider lusus seemed to be missing  
AC: :OO < oh no! that is furry furry bad!  
CT: D--> Indeed and it is ine%cusable behavior for a b100b100d to be so careless  
CT: D--> It made me so very angry that I took out my STRONG emotions on my newest robot model  
CT: D--> An action which I now regret for it was my only prototype  
CT: D--> Fiddlesti% I am getting so flustered about it. I now need a towel  
AC: :(( < you dont think that vwriskers is in trouble do you?  
AC: :(( < her lusus is furry big and scary and dangerous!  
CT: D--> I don’t know  
CT: D--> I attempted to contact her to scold her but she did not respond  
CT: D--> I suppose that it is a possibility  
AC: :(( < that is terrible! I hope that she is okay  
AC: :33 < that reminds me, i wonder where my lusus is? he is pawfully late for returning from hunting  
CT: D--> Oh my  
AC: :33 < what is it?  
CT: D--> My lusus has been absent as well  
CT: D--> There must be some connection  
CT: D--> I command you to stay indoors until this disturbance is dealt with  
AC: :(( < aw do i have to?   
CT: D--> Yes  
AC: :33 < oh and you might want to talk to terezi beclaws she is really good at investigating things! She helped me find my hat without even being in the same room as me  
AC: :33 < oh and i guess i will n33d her help again beclaws ive lost it… again!   
CT: D--> I will take your suggestion into thoughtful consideration  
CT: D--> Goodbye  
AC: :33 < bye equius!  


\-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--


	3. Sollux: Fliip the fuck out.

 

**Sollux: Fliip the fuck out.**

 

Your name is Sollux Captor and your friend is finally getting back to you.

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CG: SO I GUESS YOU’LL WANT TO COMB OVER THIS STUPID FILE.   
TA: that wa2 part of the term2 of our agreement ye2.   
TA: ii help you wiith your dumb coding a2 long a2 you let me look over iit and make 2ure you dont do anything 2tupiid wiith iit.   
TA: and you recogniize me a2 the 2upreme overlord of technology ehehe.   
CG: WELL IT’S TOO LATE, I ALREADY RAN THE PIECE OF SHIT.   
TA: what.   
TA: KK no.   
TA: what diid iit even do?   
CG: WELL IT WAS “SUPPOSED” TO MAKE MY LUSUS LESS OF AN IDIOT, BUT THAT SURE AS FUCK DIDN’T WORK.   
CG: I ACTUALLY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT DID, ISN’T THAT JUST GREAT?   
CG: SO MUCH FOR YOUR AMAZING CODING PROWESS. TRY NOT TO SPRAIN ANYTHING WHEN YOU’RE KISSING YOUR OWN ASS NEXT TIME.   
TA: god just 2end me the damn thiing already.   
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent twinArmageddons [TA] the file “GETTHEFUCKOUTOFMYFACE.~ATH” --   
TA: alriight giive me a moment   
CG: WHATEVER.   
TA: oh my god KK.   
CG: WHAT?   
TA: holy fuck you diidnt.   
CG: I’LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. WHAT DID OR DIDN’T I DO?   
TA: what diid you do what diid you do what diid you do.   
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SPIT IT OUT.   
TA: KK thii2 ii2 quiite po22iibly the wor2t code ii have ever 2een.   
CG: OH SO MY CODING SKILLS AREN’T UP TO YOUR SO-CALLED “2TANDARD2”? I AM SO ASHAMED, I AM GOING TO GO SURGICALLY REMOVE MY SHAME GLOBES IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT NOT TO FEEL SO INFERIOR AND SHIT-STAINED.   
TA: no no the code iit2elf ii2 good.   
TA: briiliiant iin fact.   
TA: but why the ever liiviing fuck would you do thii2 two your2elf and your friiend2 or whatever the hell they are?   
TA: ii know youre 2elf loathiing a2 fuck but holy 2hiit.   
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?   
TA: oh my god ii ju2t realiized.   
TA: thii2 viiru2 appliie2 two me two.   
TA: ii am goiing two beat the liiviing 2hiit out of you.   
CG: WILL YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT I ALLEGEDLY DID THAT WAS SO GLOBE-SHATTERING BEFORE YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME WITH YOUR FREAKISHLY STRONG LIMBS?   
TA: the moon2 are out twoniight riight? have you been ou2iide yet?   
CG: YEAH, I WAS HEADING OUT THERE TO LOOK FOR CRABDAD WHEN I WAS HIT WITH A SUDDEN WAVE OF STUPIDITY SO POTENT THAT I BLACKED OUT.   
TA: oh my god iit2 already 2tarted. fuuuuuuuuuuck   
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT SOLLUX JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCKING CODE DID BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN COMPUTER CORDS.   
TA: ok well ba2iically whenever you go outsiide and the moon2 are out you wiill turn iintwo your lu2u2   
TA: a2 well a2 anyone that you are at lea2t halfway friiend2/enemiie2 wiith whiich iinclude2 me.   
TA: you a22wiipe.   
CG: HAHAHAHA WOW YOU ALMOST GOT ME THERE WITH YOUR EXTREMELY REALISTIC AND BELIEVABLE STORY. NOW TELL ME WHAT IT REALLY DID.   
TA: you know the moment you a2ked for help wiith that thiing ii 2aiid two my2elf   
TA: 2omethiing 2tupiid ii2 afoot here.   
TA: but diid ii lii2ten two my2elf? no.   
TA: ii diid the 2mart thiing and deciided two help the iidiiot amateur programmer wiith a potentiially cata2trophiic fiile.   
CG: WAIT A SECOND.   
CG: SOME DELUSIONAL, MENTALLY INCAPABLE PART OF ME IS ACTUALLY BELIEVING YOU.   
CG: HAVE YOU TALKED TO TEREZI WITHIN THE LAST FEW HOURS?   
TA: no why would ii do that?   
CG: IT’S JUST THAT SHE TRIED TO TELL ME THAT HER LUSUS HAD VANISHED AND WENT OUTSIDE TO FIND SOME EVIDENCE OR SOME BOLONEY AND   
CG: OH MY GOD IF YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT THIS THEN SHE COULD BE…   
CG: I MEAN HER HIVE IS A FEW HOURS BEHIND MINE SO IT’S STILL DARK OUT WHERE SHE IS.   
TA: 2o what youre 2ayiing ii2 that 2he could be 2oariing through the 2kiie2 a2 a dragon or whatever her lu2u2 ii2.   
CG: EXACTLY.   
CG: WAIT A SECOND HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR LUSUS LATELY?   
TA: no iim at AA’2 hiive atm.   
CG: ARADIA? WHERE IS SHE?   
TA: 2he went out a liittle whiile ago two get thii2 thiing 2he apparently dii2covered and god fuckiing damniit 2he2 hoppiing around a2 a kangaram ii2nt 2he.   
CG: YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I NEED TO CLEAR A SPACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM SO I HAVE ROOM TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT. ASSUMING YOU’RE EVEN RIGHT ABOUT THIS OF COURSE, BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW YOU COULD BE PULLING MY LEG HARDER THAN   
CG: HARDER THAN SOMETHING THAT PULLS THINGS REALLY HARD. FUCK, I CAN’T EVEN FINISH SENTENCES. I AM THAT DISTRAUGHT RIGHT NOW.   
TA: KK ju2t go two 2leep and thiink about what youve done whiile ii go fiind a runaway kangaram.   
CG: GODSPEED.   
TA: 2hut up.   
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You press your forehead into your hands in a feeble attempt to suppress a headache. You’d had a feeling that KK’s virus would end up backfiring without your help, but this was beyond anything you could have imagined. It’s like one of those dumb horror flicks where the undead start to come out at night instead of during the day, only worse because suddenly you’re one of the infected.

Your mind wanders to AA and you cringe. For a moment you consider going after her, but then you quickly reconsider. Going outside now would be a huge mistake, especially since your lusus is a giant, stupid bicyclops with a fetish for mind honey. Instead, you lean back in your chair and continue to eyeball the file which KK sent you.

 

bifurcate THIS[THIS1, THIS2];  
import universe U;  
import author Karkat  
import additional graves Relations

~ATH (CYCLE1) {  
      ~ATH (CYCLE2) {

} EXECUTE (~ATH (THIS1) {} EXECUTE(MERGE(NULL)));  
      }EXECUTE (~ATH (THIS2) {} EXECUTE(MERGE(NULL)));

[THIS1, THIS2].DIE(CYCLE);


	4. Equius: Warn neighbor.

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

CT: D--> Vriska  
CT: D--> Are you present  
CT: D--> Do not go outside tomorrow night  
CT: D--> Vriska answer me  
CT: D--> I’m too late aren’t I  
CT: D--> Curses  
AG: Hold your horses! Jeeeeeeeez!  
AG: I step away from Trollian for one second and the whole world falls apart? I can’t say that I’m surprised!  
CT: D--> I will let it go this time  
CT: D--> I have a message for you  
CT: D--> Do not go outside  
AG: Oh, wow, thanks for warning me! I forgot that the weather today was cloudy with an 88% chance of stupidity.  
CT: D--> This is not a joke  
CT: D--> If my suspicions are correct and you ignore my warning and go outside at the incorrect time I may be forced to use my STRENGTH to subdue you  
AG: Is that a threat? If I don’t o8ey your vague commands—for which you haven’t given me any explan8ion—you’re going to 8eat me up????????  
AG: Jegus Equius, I knew you weren’t much of a romantic, 8ut that’s the dum8est pick-up attempt I’ve ever seen! ::::P  
CT: D--> God fucking damn it  
CT: D--> Oops I mean  
CT: D--> Fiddlesti%  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha.  
CT: D--> Okay I am going to fetch a towel and then I will proceed to explain the situation  
CT: D--> Or situ8ion if you prefer  
AG: ::::)  
CT: D--> Don’t move  
AG: I’ll 8e w8ing with 88ed 8reath!  
CT: D--> 88ed  
AG: 8ated.  
CT: D--> Understood

You wipe your slimy brow with the back of your wrist. You’d been afraid that your neighbor had been consumed by her lusus, or worse: that she, like you, had… no, you don’t want to think about it. Anyway, you don’t particularly like her, but if her giant, hungry spider lusus is on the loose, you’d like to know before it decided that it had a taste for e%quisite b100 b100d.

It’s a good thing that you are now apparently some sort of werecentaur, because now you have knowledge of where Aurthour kept the towels. To your disappointment, the transformation eventually wore off, but you still feel that inner STRENGTH and wisdom of a centaur inside you.  
You return to your computer with a newly-soiled towel and a somewhat dry brow. 

CT: D--> Now then, I shall e%plain what I believe to be happening here  
CT: D--> You see when I went outside earlier I une%pectadly and involuntarily altered my form into that of a mustachioed centaur much like my lusus Aurthour  
CT: D--> This transformation lasted until both moons became obscured and disappeared past the horizon  
CT: D--> After which I became a mere troll again but I seem to have retained some mental characteristics of Aurthour  
CT: D--> Such as an aptitude for astrology and a constant desire for sugar cubes  
CT: D--> However, though it seemed that things were relatively back to normal, I noticed that Aurthour was nowhere to be found  
CT: D--> Using my newfound equine knowledge I have concluded that Aurthour and I have become one  
CT: D--> His rippling flanks have become mine and my great STRENGTH has become his  
CT: D--> But mostly mine  
CT: D--> The way in which this applies to you is that I believe a similar transformation may befall should you step out and into the elements as I did. Therefore as I said before  
CT: D--> Don’t go outside especially when the moons are shining once again  
CT: D--> Lest your spirit and body become pol100ted with those of a terrible spider  
CT: D-->Unless you lusus is already missing in which case I fear that it is too late. The most effective way to fight this is obviously to obey my command and remain inside  
CT: D--> Do you comprehend  
CT: D--> Vriska  
CT: D--> Vriska this is no time to be difficult  
CT: D--> Damnit  
AG: Ha.  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha.  
AG: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
AG: Lmfaoooooooo!!!!!!!!  
AG: Oh my gooooooood I haven’t laughed this hard in foreeeeeeeever! XXXXD  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
AG: I mean, what the fuck???????? Have you 8een eating sopor????????  
AG: I told you not to talk to Gamzee so much! Hahahahahahahaha!  
CT: D--> Now listen here Vriska this is no laughing matter  
AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
CT: D--> You will stop  
AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
CT: D--> You are making me so angry  
AG: *Wheeeeeeeeze*  
CT: D--> You know what? I am just going to step away from the computer station and do some deep breathing as Nepeta once advised  
CT: D--> And maybe beat a metallic subordinate into submission  
AG: May8e you could give me a ride to Terezi’s while you’re at it? You know, what with your rippling flanks and sparkly hooves? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!  
CT: D--> Blast it  
CT: D--> I don’t know why I bother

\--centaursTesticle [CT] has ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]\-- 

You fly off the handle. Nothing is safe from your berserker rage. Not even your collection of fine glass winged hoofbeasts. Your anger burns with the fury of one thousand Alternian suns.

You have a mind to go and pay her a personal visit. You know she deserves punishment for one thing or another; the girl is constantly up to her horns in mischief. It is bad enough that she is blatantly defying you, when you are clearly of a higher caste than she is. But even in the throes of unrelenting vehemence, you know that this would be unwise at present. Perhaps you will go out later in hopes that you will transform again. That would convince her. Until then, you’ll have to watch your back, lest your theory holds true.


	5. Sollux: Wait for AA to return.

**Sollux: Wait for AA to return.**

     There’s no need to wait. She is already here.

     You are searching the web for information on moon-based viruses when you hear the front door creak open. Startled, you spin about in Aradia’s computer station chair, your eyes crackling with psychic energy. You aren’t sure what to expect—you know that the virus has probably done something to Aradia since she was out when it was put into play—but you sure as hell weren’t quite expecting this.

     The being that shuffles in through the entrance is neither Aradia nor her kangaram lusus. Not exactly, at least. Instead it—she?—seems to be some sort of mutant: it’s an unnatural-looking hybrid of beast and troll. As she cautiously makes her way to the lit center of the room (she does not see you yet, as you are still as a statue in the shadowy corner), you are able to see her in detail. She has the lower body of a kangaram, while her upper body is mostly that of a female troll, save for an oddly-shaped head and some claws. Her face is somewhat long like a ram’s, but you recognize the jet-black mane and orange curved horns of your friend. It is Aradia. But it is also her lusus.

     At first you are too stunned to react. You mean, how the fuck are you _supposed_ to react? Your girlfriend is suddenly a freak! “ _No_ ,” you berate yourself, grinding your teeth. This is all your fault, and you need to accept it in the only way you know how at this point.

     You slowly slide out of the chair and crouch down, eye level with Aradia/Kangaram. You aren’t sure whether it is her lusus that is dominant at the moment or your friend, so you’re not sure how to approach her. Half of you says to advance cautiously, while the other half of you seems to think that absconding the fuck out of there and locking the door behind you is a better plan. You decide to go with the former option.

     “Hey,” you call softly, “Double-A?” Aradia freezes, her nostrils flaring and deformed pupils snapping to you. “Double-A, it’s me. It’s Sollux,” you say softly, your tongue catching on your prominent teeth. You edge forward into the light, showing empty palms, a gesture that you hope will be interpreted as you being harmless. She begins to abscond backwards, but then seems to second guess herself, as if another thought has struck her. “Come on,” you urge, “it’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

     To your amazement, Aradia slowly sits up higher on her strong legs, a more troll-like expression of puzzlement appearing on her ram-face. “Sollux? Baa!” She gasps and covers her mouth at the sound of her own involuntary exclamation. You can’t help but laugh in relief and stand up. She chuckles as well, giving a sheepish grin, no pun intended. “What’s… ah, what’s happened to me?”

     You’re glad it’s Aradia who has transformed before you. Any other troll would be freaking out, embarrassing themselves, or going on a killing spree. In response to her inquiry, you shrug. “It’s a long story and I don’t really feel like telling it right now.” You give a sigh of relief. “Thank God you can control your weird rammy self, or I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with you.” Even though your words are insensitive—and you know it, much to your dismay (God you are such a jerk)—Aradia just shakes her head, still grinning.

     The two of you just sort of stand there for a moment. What do you do in a situation like this? You look down at your mismatched sneakers and shuffle your feet, that’s what. You hear Aradia chuckle again. “It’s funny, I actually found some ruins the other day with depictions of some strange creatures that I didn’t recognize. I was hoping to show you tonight. One of them was…” Her eyes widen. “Oh! Sollux!” She nearly hops over to you.

     “What?”

     “One of the animals on the walls… it looked like me! I mean, how I am right now!” She grabs your hands with her strange paw-hands and looks at you in a way that would make your blood pusher skip were it not so heartbreaking. “We have to go! It must mean something!” She starts to pull you towards the door, clearly bursting at the seams with excitement at the thought of such a discovery.

     You resist. “No, Double-A.” She looks baffled for a moment. “I mean, not that I wouldn’t love to go spelunking into some weird-ass ruins, but maybe we should wait until you aren’t so…” You glance up at her horns, which are curvier than usual. “…horny.”

     Aradia punches you in the arm and scolds you, but she is smiling. “Fine,” she says.  “But how do you know that it’s going to wear off?”

     You sigh again and scratch at your scalp idly. “Shit, I guess I have to tell you what’s up anyway. But I have to warn you, it’s really, really idiotic. Like, you might start dribbling from the seedflap in a fit of empathetic stupidity.” Aradia just rolls her eyes and says “ _Sollux_ ” sternly. “Alright, alright! Okay, let me tell you about the night that Double-K fucked things up…”


	6. Eridan: Take your shirt off already.

**Eridan: Take your shirt off already.**

     Your name is Eridan Ampora and you don’t know what the fuck is goin’ on, but you don’t like it.

     “Fef! Open up, Fef!” You slam your fist on her front door again and again. Sure, you could just swim through the window, but you’d rather do the gentlemanly thing and knock on the lady’s door. “Come on, Fef, it’s a fuckin’ emergency for cod’s sake!”

     The door swings open, revealing a rather annoyed Feferi. “Eridan! What the glub are you doing? My door hasn’t done anyfin to you!”

     “What does it _look_ like I’m doin’?” You gesture down to your lower half. “I’m freakin’ the fuck out, Fef! I look like a fuckin’ merhorse!”

     “What—“ Her eyes reluctantly trail downward. It takes her a moment to put two and two together when she sees you. Then she screams. “Holy mackerel, Eridan! What did you do?”

     Where your legs were once attached to your body, a curly, seahorse-like tail has appeared. You don’t know how or why this happened. You had just been scoping out some suspicious landdweller activity from the deck of your ship-hive when suddenly your body started to… well… let’s just say that it hurt. A lot.

     “I didn’t do anyfin! I was just mindin’ my own fuckin’ business and two minutes later, I’m half a seahorsedad!”

     “Glub glub… this is reely awful!” She stoops down—well, swims down—to inspect the tail. She pokes and prods it with a long fingernail, causing you to protest. She ignores you. “How far does it go up?”

     “Well, let’s just see, shall we?” You undo your cape and scarf and start to take off your shirt.

     “Eridan!” Fef averts her eyes, putting a hand up. “Please!”

     “Oh, come on, it’s not like I’ve got anyfin ta show here! I’m as clean as a troll Ken doll.” You toss the shirt aside, where it floats down to the floor, briefly carried by a weak current. You look down to inspect your torso and grimace. The scales are uneven, reaching up higher on your front side than on your backside. You are such a freak. “Fuckin’ hell.”

     Fef dares to steal a glance, then sees that you’re not lying about being decent. She even starts to poke you again. To your dismay, she seems more fascinated by it than horrified. “Glub! How weird! Do you know what happened? You aren’t hunting for cursed treasure with Vriska again, are you?”

     You roll your eyes. “Fuck no. I wish. Besides, if I knew what happened, do you think I’d be swimmin’ around with you? No, I’d be lookin’ for a glubbin’ cure, that’s what I’d be doin’!”

     Fef does some sort of acrobatic fuckin’ twirl around you until she is floating in mid-water facing you, legs folded beneath her. “Sounds to me like something fishy is afin!”

     “No shit. Just when I was lookin’ ta—“ You stop midsentence. Something is wrong.

     “To… what?” asks Feferi. “Eridan?”

     “You didn’t feel that?”

     “Feel what?”

     “The water got all… shaky or somethin’. It’s still goin’.”

     “I don’t feel anyfin. Are you okay? Your gills are all twitchy!”

     “Don’t make fun o’ my gills! I just— there! Did you hear that?” There was a distinct rumbling sound now.

     “No, I… oh! I do! I do! Glub!” She swam over to the window.

     “What is it?” you ask.

     “I don’t know, I can’t see anyfin!” She pushed herself out the window and traveled a distance away from it. You follow, your tail bumping on the windowsill, prompting you to curse. Ahead of you, Fef shields her eyes with her hand as if to block out a bright light, even though the moonlight is barely even penetrating this far down. “Wait! I see somefin! It’s… it’s… what?” Then she gasps, bubbles escaping from her gills and lips. And then you see it.

 

**Eridan: Deal with Gamzee.**

     You don’t even give yourself the chance to classify what it is that is charging at you before your rifle is out of your strife specibus and in your hands. You take aim through the crosshairs; it’s an easy target, as the beast is neither zigging nor zagging. But something disrupts your shot.

     “Eridan, no!” exclaims Fef, grabbing your rifle and messing up your aim. “It’s Gamzee!”

     “Fef, what the— _AUUUUGH!”_ Suddenly, you’ve got a searing pain in your shoulder, your sides are being crushed, and there’s purple wisps floating before your eyes. You turn your head to discover that “Gamzee” is latched onto you, and hard. He draws back from your shoulder and aims the next chomp right at your throat, hooves still digging into your seahorse flanks.

     But not before Fef dances in with her trident. She lunges forward in the nick of time, carving three deep scores into Gam’s face. Enraged, he unclasps one of his hooves and turns toward Fef, letting out a fearsome bellow. You clutch your arm, trying to keep the excruciating salt water out of the wound, but it is in vain. Meanwhile, Gam is darting for Fef, who is anything but unprepared. She swings her weapon like a bat, landing an audible blow upon his head. Dazed, his eyes roll and his body goes slack. He seems to have become unconscious, floating gracefully downward. You aim with your rifle again, fixing to finish him off.

     Fef disrupts your shot again. You nearly lash out. “No! He’s not our anemone! Look, he’s harmless!”

     “Harmless? He just tried to chew my fuckin’ arm off! Just let me fuckin’ kill him!”

     “No! There will be _no_ krilling tonight!” She swam over to Gam and wrapped an arm around under his armpits, lifting him up. You curse under your breath; her proximity to him makes it dangerous to go for him now. “He’s just scared, I know it. He’s confused, like you were!” she continues. In saying this, she reminds both of you that this is not the Gamzee that you knew, not physically, at least. You swim a ways ahead of the two and stare at him. He’s got this ridiculous little white beard thing, and his horns stretch out from his head farther than usual. His hands have turned into hooves and his arms and lower body are covered in white hair. Like your own lower half, his is a large fin rather than a pair of legs.

     “Fuck,” you say. “What is goin’ on?”

     “I don’t know,” says Fef, lowering Gam into a recuperacoon. “But if you’re not the only one turning into your lusus, or whatever is happening, then maybe someone knows what’s going on! Maybe we could get kelp!”

     “Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a thing that’s going to happen. Like I want some landdweller’s help anyway! We can take care of ourselves.”

     “Oh, will you clean the algae out of your pan? What is so bad about the landdwellers? They probably need the help as much as we do! It can’t just be affecting you two! I’m shore of it!”

     “Fine, fine, let’s ask the landdwellers for help, because I’m shore they’ll be just killing each other for a chance to get to kiss our boots! And by kiss our boots, I mean fry up some seadwellers for their afternoon snack! Face it, Fef, nobody wants to help a seadweller.”

     Fef opened her mouth as if to protest, but then closed it and shook her head, dismayed. “Just because you can’t make any fronds above sea level doesn’t mean I can’t. There must be someone who is willing to kelp!”

     You feel a disturbance in the water. Gam is stirring. There is a bubbling sound and a groan as he slowly lifts himself from the recuperacoon and brings a hoof to his head, where Fef clocked him. You and Fef both snap your attention to him, weapons raised and ready. But as he opens his heavy eyes, he doesn’t even flinch.

     “Whoa. What the motherfuck is all the harshness for? Can’t a bro get his snooze on without breakin’ any laws?” Fef lowers her trident. “Man, my pan feels like it’s gone and had a party for a bunch of motherfuckin’ clawbeasts.” Then he adopts a puzzled expression, removing his hoof from his head and staring at it. He doesn’t even say anything for a few seconds. It’s like he’s just come across a curiosity, a novelty. “Well, motherfuck me. We have got some goddamn motherfuckin’ miracles happenin’ right here.” He looks up at you and Fef. You’ve still got your rifle ready. “So what can I do for you fishy motherfuckers?”


	7. Karkat: Open Memo.

**Karkat: Open memo.**

     It’s been a full day since the incident and the moons are out again. In the time that’s passed, you’ve been trolling Sollux, who’s been doing a bit of research. Unfortunately, the only things he’s found relating to any situation even vaguely similar to the one you’re in have been either cheesy fantasy books or bad fan fiction. It does appear, however, that Aradia has uncovered something that may or may not have something to do with your transformations, which is good, you guess.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board PREAPOCALYPTIC FREAKSHOW FUCKNUGGET CREW.  
CG: ALRIGHT ASSHOLES.  
CG: HERE’S HOW IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.  
CG: SOLLUX, ARE YOU STILL AT ARADIA’S?  
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.  
TA: well con2iideriing iid probably 2uccumb to unfathomable honeylu2t iif ii went back to my hiive2tem  
TA: yeah iim 2tiill here.  
TA: even iif ii wa2 back at my hiive ii could ziip over to AA2 place iin liike two 2econd2 2o that que2tiion ii2 ba2iically poiintle22.  
CG: OKAY, I NOTED THAT FACT UNDER A DOCUMENT TITLED “DRABBLE NOBODY GIVES TWO FUCKS ABOUT OR EVEN ONE FUCK FOR THAT MATTER.”  
CG: WAIT, ISN’T IT DAYTIME WHERE YOU ARE?  
apocalypseArisen [AA] responded to memo.  
AA: yes but this is m0re imp0rtant than getting a little rest!  
AA: i have the curtains cl0sed s0 it isnt really a pr0blem  
CG: SO ABOUT THOSE SHITTY FINGERPAINTINGS YOU MENTIONED.  
CG: EVEN IF THEY REALLY ARE IN REFERENCE TO LUSUS-TROLLS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT THEY’D HELP US AT ALL? I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE WE CAN JUST SLITHER OUR GUSTATION BLOBS ALONG THE CRUSTY MYSTERY OOZE AND ABSORB ITS DEFINITELY-EXISTANT HEALING PROPERTIES.  
CG: AND DON’T SAY WE COULD JUST GET TEREZI TO TRAIN US HOW TO TASTE THE VERY FABRIC OF REALITY BECAUSE ONE: IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE AND TWO: SHE’S OFF GALLIVANTING IN TREE LAND, PROBABLY LAYING WASTE TO ENTIRE COLONIES OF WOOD GNOMES.  
CG: DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW WHERE THE HELL SHE IS?  
AA: n0 i thought y0u were trying t0 c0ntact her  
CG: I AM. SHE’S NOT ANSWERING, OBVIOUSLY.  
TA: werent you goiing to tell u2 2omethiing?  
CG: YES. ARADIA, YOU AND SOLLUX WILL GO CHECK OUT THESE RUINS AND SEE IF YOU CAN’T FIND OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS. GET GOING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN AND BEFORE THE MOONS COME OUT WHERE YOU ARE.  
TA: fuck you for tryiing two tell u2 what two do and fuck me for agreeiing wiith you.  
centaursTesticle [CT] responded to memo.  
CT: D--> Normally I w001d not involve myself with lowb100d matters  
CT: D--> But it w001d seem that we are all caught in a similar predicament  
TA: the fuck ii2 he doiing here?  
CG: THE FUCK ARE YOU D  
CG: DAMNIT SOLLUX.  
CT: D--> This is a public memo. It is open to anyone on your trollslum, including me  
CG: REALLY? WELL I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO FIX THAT.  
AA: wait karkat!  
AA: equius did y0u just say that y0u were in a similar situati0n  
AA: are y0u turning int0 y0ur lusus t00  
TA: of cour2e he ii2 that2 part of the viiru2 remember?  
AA: i kn0w that s0llux i just wanted t0 sh0w karkat that he sh0uld listen t0 what equius has t0 say 0_0  
CG: WHY SHOULD I HELP THIS STUCK UP ASSWIPE? WHEN HAS HE EVER  
CG: OH YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT. SPILL IT BEFORE THE BLOCK BUTTON BECOMES MY NEW BEST FUCKING FRIEND.  
CT: D--> As I was saying  
CT: D--> Appro%imately one night ago, I invo100ntarily transformed into a centaur  
CT: D--> Not just any centaur, but Aurthour, my lusus, judging by what the nameless-b100d stated earlier about lusus-trolls before he started making demands of his cohorts  
CT: D--> Since then I have tried to warn my neighbor of the risk as her lusus is particularly dangerous  
CT: D--> Unfortunately I only succeeded in entertaining her  
CT: D--> It was infuriating and inappropriate  
CG: WOW GREAT STORY.  
CT: D--> Do not interrupt  
CT: D--> As I said, she disregarded my warnings  
CT: D--> And now as I sit watch at my window I fear the worst  
AA: 0_0  
CT: D--> Yes that is the perfect symbolic facial expression to use in this situation  
CT: D--> Do it again  
AA: uh  
AA: 0kay 0_0  
CT: D--> E%cellent  
CT: D--> Where was I  
CT: D--> Ah yes. I’ve been observing from the window and I believe that Vriska has not only ignored my command but has gone against my words  
CT: D--> I have seen an odd figure trotting up walls as if the action meant nothing at all  
CT: D--> Furthermore her hive has become abso100tely swamped with spider webs  
CT: D--> And I have heard  
CT: D--> Screams  
CG: OKAY, SO BASICALLY NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.  
CT: D--> I do not appreciate such condescension  
CT: D--> Particularly from a lowb100d  
CG: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD COLOR IS. I COULD BE A MOTHERFUCKING INDIGO-BLOOD FOR ALL YOU KNOW! AND YOU WOULD BE PARTAKING IN GROSS INSUBORDINATION.  
CG: SO GROSS, IN FACT, THAT YOU’D BE SCRUBBING YOURSELF WITH YOUR DISGUSTING TOWELS FOR WEEKS.  
CT: D--> You are not a highb100d  
CT: D--> You would not be acting so 100dly unless your veins were full of rusty swill  
AA: hey!  
CG: FUCK YOU. WHY SHOULD I CARE IF SPIDERBITCH HAS TURNED INTO A LITERAL SPIDERBITCH? ANSWER: I SHOULDN’T.  
CG: AND DON’T PRETEND YOU ARE IN SOME DEEP SHIT OR SOMETHING. YOU COULD TEAR HER TO PIECES IF SHE GOT ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.  
AA: that isnt the p0int karkat  
AA: think ab0ut all 0ur 0ther c0mpani0ns with danger0us lusi  
TA: oh 2hiit.  
TA: FF!  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS “FF”?  
CG: OH.  
CG: OH HOLY BOILING VAT OF GENETIC FUCKPASTE.  
TA: we are 2o fucked.  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.  
GA: I Dont Mean To Intrude  
GA: Well That Is A Lie I Do Intend To Intrude  
GA: But What Exactly Are You All Discussing  
GA: I Noticed That There Was Some Issue Or Another Pertaining To Vriska  
GA: Should I Be Concerned  
GA: Okay Whether Or Not Your Reply To That Inquiry Is Positive I Am Concerned  
TA: oh ii am 2o not explaiiniing thii2 agaiin.  
TA: KK or AA plea2e deal wiith thii2.  
CG: UH.  
CG: WELL.  
CG: HOW DO I SAY THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A RAVING SCHIZOMANIAC?  
AA: basically every0ne has been turning int0 strange creatures when either 0f the m00ns are 0ut  
AA: specifically int0 0ur lusi  
GA: Okay  
GA: Im Not Usually One To Appreciate Sarcasm But Wow I Can Take A Hint  
GA: I Will Keep My Meddling Feelers Out Of Your Business  
TA: i have piix.  
GA: Piix  
TA: of aradiia when 2he was a kangatroll.  
AA: s0llux y0u t00k pictures 0f me  
TA: uh yeah duh.  
TA: becau2e how the hell el2e are we 2uppo2ed to conviince everyone what2 goiing on?  
GA: Wait Are You Serious  
GA: This Isnt Some Synchronized Hoax Is It  
\-- twinArmageddons [TA] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file “AAii2lookiinghorny.PNG” --  
GA: What  
GA: The Hell  
GA: Well This Elucidates The Fretting Over Feferi  
CG: EXACTLY.  
GA: So Who Is Going To Notify Her Of The Situation  
CG: OH UH  
CG: ME I GUESS.  
CG: IN FACT THAT BRINGS US BACK TO THE PURPOSE OF THIS DISCUSSION, BEFORE CERTAIN “GUESTS” STARTED BREACHING OUR MEMO WALLS.  
CG: KANAYA, YOU GO TRY AND TALK SOME SENSE INTO VRISKA IF YOU CAN, SINCE YOU ARE SO “WORRIED” ABOUT HER.  
CG: I’LL BEAR THE BRUNT OF FEFERI’S OVERWHELMING ENTHUSIASM BECAUSE IF ANYONE’S GOING TO BE A MARTYR, IT’LL BE ME.  
CG: SOLLUX AND ARADIA, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
CG: EQUIUS, YOU… I DON’T KNOW, HOLD DOWN THE FORT OR SOMETHING.  
CT: D--> Is that an order  
CG: WELL IT WASN’T A QUESTION.  
CG: OKAY SO LET’S PRETEND THAT I AM MAKING SOME EYE-GUSHINGLY INSPIRING AND MOTIVATING SPEECH RIGHT HERE. CITIES WILL FALL, OCEANS WILL RISE, ALL THAT BULLSHIT.  
CG: OKAY, NOW BREAK!  
CG closed memo.


	8. Vriska: Succumb to unfathomable bloodlust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contains depictions of blood and descriptions of violence.

**Vriska: Succumb to unfathomable bloodlust.**

     You cannot be Vriska at present. Instead, you are Tyluan Mirado, and you are currently in a dark place.

     Literally. It’s the middle of the night and there aren’t any lights on, save for the moonlight streaming in through a broken window and the glow of a computer, which is pinging with new messages. You’d try to get a peek at the screen, if only to get an idea of where you might be or a hint as to the identity of your captor, but you are bound tight with some kind of flexible, sticky material.

     You try to remember how you got here. The last thing you recall that you were doing was riding on your gigantowl lusus, looking for your FLARPing partner, Tenbra. You’d landed at the edge of a clearing so your lusus could take a breather when you saw two big, spooky castles in the distance. The next thing you knew, you felt a spreading numbness and you guess you passed out? And now you’re somewhere smelly and covered in what you now realize are spider webs. This is definitely not a good thing.

     Your first guess is that it’s a rival FLARP team messing with you. Your second guess is that some giant, carnivorous spider has made a vacant hive its home. After a moment of marveling at your own syllogistic abilities, you start to struggle. If you could just make it over to the computer, you might be able to get help.

     You actually manage to detach yourself from the main web and squirm a few feet across the dusty floor before you hear something. It’s a sort of clicking, scrabbling sound, like pens tapping and scraping against a hard surface. You look around wildly, but the shadows are too deep for you to make anything out. “Hey, who’s there?” you call out. No response. You twist and turn until you manage a sitting position, and it is then that you hear a soft hissing.

     You are not alone.

     Your heart freezes. You are completely helpless, and you know it. The tapping is getting closer. You need to loose yourself from these binds, and fast. It is then that you remember that you loaded freshly-picked cherry bombs into your strife specibus this evening. If you can get them to land behind you, they might weaken the web, and could deter the beast as well. It’s worth a shot. With a pop, the bombs break from your specibus.

     It’s a success. The tiny bombs land with a bang, and you feel the bindings loosen. With a burst of hope, you pull your arms away from your sides, breaking the strings. You stretch your limbs, and you are grateful for the freedom. But the sound attracted some unwanted attention.

     Abruptly it sounds like the arachnid express is headed straight for you; the growling has suddenly become urgent and angry and the clicking of legs is getting closer. You panic and scramble backwards without realizing that you are heading right back into the web you woke up in. But your palm slips on something slick and you crash to the ground, getting your clothes and skin soaked in the stuff. Against your better judgment you inspect your dripping arm. The horror of the situation dawns upon you slowly as you recognize the fluid. Then you look down and see that the stone floor is coated with a pool of teal blood, and right beside you is your FLARPing comrade. Her throat has been ripped open and her eyes are glazed. Your suspicions are confirmed. She’s done for. As are you.

     The spiderbeast gives a sharp hiss as if to summon your attention. Your head snaps forward. What your eyes behold is anyone’s guess.

     The creature is not a mere creature but a troll—well, sort of. It’s some unholy amalgamation of monster and troll; she’s got four long, white, knobby spider legs coming out of her back, which are letting her hover over you as she reaches for you with unnaturally lanky arms. She doesn’t have two eyes but five, as well as what looks like three extra pupils in one eye. What is most concerning to you, however, are the huge, pincer-like tusks jutting out of her mouth, dripping with blood and spit and coming closer and closer to you.

     You are now struggling against a tangle of webs again, right back where you started. You are whimpering and cursing and begging like a coward, but it’s as if your pleas are actually egging her on, like you’re some treasure that she’s about to put her greedy claws on. She’s drawing nearer painfully slowly, seeming to milk every iota of horror out of each second. She lifts her hand toward you and you flinch, but to your surprise she simply lays it upon your bony chest, fingertips resting on your collarbone. For a minute there is an uncomfortable stillness. You both lock eyes and somehow it is the most intimate moment of your life, this moment between you and a monster. It almost looks like she’s smiling.

     But then the hand lying across your chest turns into an iron grip that latches onto your collar, while the other digs into your back and your head involuntarily slams back into the stone. Her open jaws shoot straight for your throat, and suddenly her fangs are tearing into your most precious arterial vessel, ripping your skin apart like a knife through coagulated grub fat and causing your ruby blood to gush forth. Your cries only come out as pathetic gurgles as she clumsily and torturously digs deeper through the flesh and you are afraid that she’ll hit your spine and you just want to die, you want to die so badly and be released from this agony. Your vision wavers, your muscles slacken, and the pain becomes dull and secondary to a merciful, growing numbness. Your mind goes to strange places, like where your nearest neighbors live, where to find the biggest harvest of alterniberries, and other seemingly trivial memories and knowledge. It’s almost like someone’s sifting through a file cabinet in your head. But you haven’t much time to ponder this, for a fang breaches your vertebral column, and your major nerve bundle is severed.

 

**Vriska: Succumb to unfathomable paranoia.**

     Your limbs feel strangely heavy today. It’s as if you’ve been running around all night instead of sleeping. You guess that’s what happens when you don’t use the recuperacoon.

     You just sort of sit there for a while. There’s really no point in moving. You don’t need to feed your lusus anymore, you don’t have any FLARPing sessions scheduled, as usual, and you feel tired as shit.

     But you are hungry. You are so goddamned hungry; you could eat an imperial fleet. This is the only thing that gets you to your feet and pushes you to your nourishblock, where you investigate the chillvessel. Of course, there isn’t any food, and you don’t know why you thought there would be food when you distinctly remember there not being any before you apparently decided to sleep in the middle of your respiteblock.

     There’s nothing for it but to return to your block. You’d order some grub online; you don’t feel like stealing from your neighbor’s garden, anyway, especially since he’s been blabbering some weird shit lately. Creep.

     There’s a message from Kanaya when you open up Trollian.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
GA: Vriska Are You Available  
GA: I Mean Are You Not Busy At The Moment  
GA: Its Urgent  
GA: Please Don’t Be A Giant Spider Troll  
GA: I Mean This Literally I Am Not Referring To Any Nicknames Which May Or May Not Be Alternate Names That Some Call You  
GA: Hello  
GA: This Is Not Very Promising  
GA: I Will Try Again Later  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

     Your interest is peaked. This was only sent about an hour ago, so she’s probably still sitting there at her computer, waiting like a sucker. You decide to be merciful and end her wait. Your friends are so lucky to have you.

\--  arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--  
AG: Hey! What’s all the noise a8out? ::::)  
GA: Oh Thank The Mother Grub You Are Okay  
AG: Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I 8e? Is someone out to get me AGAIN? Jegus, I know I’m super attractive and stuff, 8ut a girl needs a 8r8k from all her 8lack suitors every once and a while, y’know?  
GA: This Is No Time For Comedy Vriska  
GA: Something Sinister Is Afoot  
AG: Ugh, this sounds like one of your gross rain8ow drinker novels. Lol.  
AG: Remem8er that time you read me a passage from one that one time?  
AG: Soooooooo 8aaaaaaaad! Hahahahahahahaha.  
AG: 8ut hey, at least there are no fairies involved! That would utterly ruin our relationship.  
GA: Our Relationship  
AG: Yeah! I mean, I don’t know, we’re friends, right? Or something. I guess I should just ask Nepeta what our status is!  
GA: Our Status  
AG: Man, are you just going to sit there and repeat everything I say????????  
GA: Sorry I Am Just Confused  
GA: But There Is Time For That Later  
GA: I Need To Know Your Whereabouts Of The Past Few Hours  
GA: What Your Present Conscious Can Recall At Least  
AG: My present what? What the hell are you talking a8out?  
AG: Are you and Equius in cahoots? What a creep!  
GA: I Beg Your Pardon  
GA: No Dont Even Answer That Just Listen To Me  
GA: Some Sort Of Curse Or Disease Is Affecting All Of Us  
GA: You Included  
GA: You May Have Noticed That Your Lusus Has Disappeared  
GA: That Is Part Of It  
AG: Oh my god, you re8lly 8re in cahoots!!!!!!!! I can’t 8elieve y8u!  
GA: Vriska No  
AG: Cahoooooooots!!!!!!!!  
AG: Th8t whole thing a8out liking me was a ruse, too, w8sn’t it? Tr8tor!  
GA: Vriska Stop That Right Now I Am Completely And Utterly Serious  
GA:  I Have Not Stated Anything Even Remotely Deceptive Or Purposely Misleading  
AG: Ha!!!!!!!!  
GA: Damnit Vriska Just Look Around You  
AG: No way! Someone w8ll pro8a8ly sta8 me in the 8ack the m8ment I’m distracted!  
GA: You Are Glaring At A Computer Screen Do You Really Believe That That Is A More Secure Defense Than Observing Your Environment  
GA: There Has To Be Something  
GA: I Am Opening The View Port  
AG: The wh8t????????  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh My  
GA: Vriska  
GA: Turn Around  
AG: No!!!!!!!!  
GA: Turn Around Just Turn Around Right Now  
AG: Aaaaaaaargh! Fine! I will fucking t8rn around and see wh8t amaaaaaaaazing trap you’ve set f8r me!

     You bury your hands in your hair, clenching it at the roots in frustration. You don’t have time for this bullshit! You have so many irons in the fire to tend to, but no, you have to play along with some asinine ploy set up by a couple of desperate idiots! And then there’s your stupid stabbing hunger that’s still there, all the time, just making you angry, and you want to punch yourself in the gut to get your stomach to shut the fuck up.

     Grumbling, you nearly jump to your feet, fists balled and teeth grinding, and spin around.

     “What,” you say aloud, “the _fuck_ … is this?”

     In the far side of your respiteblock is a thick tangle of webs and, more importantly, mutilated corpses. This wouldn’t be half as surprising as it is if your lusus was still around, which makes the scene all the more startling. You know that Kanaya is still watching; what does she make of this? Did she and Equius actually have something to do with this? Despite your previous accusations, you know it isn’t true. Kanaya barely had the guts to fess up her feelings for you, let alone conspire against you. And Equius… what would he have to gain from this? You decide to keep a closer eye on Equius, at least.

     You approach the bloody mess. There are a variety of trolls caught up in webs or sprawled on the floor, all with nasty gouges on or around their neck. You stoop down and dip a finger in a puddle of maroon blood. It’s cold. It’s been there for an hour or two, at least. The smell of it, though, catches you off guard. You’d contributed to the deaths of thousands of trolls, and the smell of their blood and guts never really appealed to you. If anything, you were a bit repulsed by it, not that you ever let it show. But this blood, it has an odor which you cannot deny is actually making your mechanical digestion chamber salivate. Curious, you give it a sniff, just to confirm the scent’s source. Then, hesitantly, you swipe your finger over your gustation receptors.

     It’s as if you flipped a switch. The flavor swims around your receptors, intoxicating and heady. Your stomach clenches as if rebelling and screams for more. You squeeze your eyes shut and inhale deeply, lips slightly parted, letting the scents of the room flow into you and refresh the taste. It’s like you’re a recovered addict falling off the wagon. You don’t really understand it, but you want more.

     You made sure Kanaya couldn’t see; your back is turned to her (or your computer, rather). You glance over your shoulder back at the machine, suddenly on edge, as if she’s about to pop out of it and steal your newfound treasure. Your hunger is telling you to gorge yourself with abandon, but you can’t let her see. She might take it away, keep it all for herself, and you won’t have that— _can’t_ have that. Because after devouring the entirety of the contents of your chillvessel and not feeling a bit satisfied, not gaining a thing, like you’ve been shoving food into a black hole, you’ve found something that makes you feel alive again. You have to get rid of her. Manipulate her, get her to off herself. You ponder this with a hiss of pleasure. Yes, maybe you can even get her to come over. You can only imagine how much better it tastes from a live source—

     You jerk in alarm at yourself. _No!_ you think. Kanaya is your friend (????????), and you are better than this. One taste of some troll’s blood and you lose your shit? The Marquise is probably turning in the belly of whatever beast devoured her corpse!

     You rise and return to trollian. While you were flipping out, Kanaya kept messaging you.  
GA: Before You Accuse Me Or Equius Of Any Conspiracy  
GA: I Advise You To Open This File And Review Its Contents  
GA: It Was Taken By Sollux And The Subject Is Aradia   
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent arachnidsGrip [AG] the file “AAii2lookiinghorny.PNG” --   
GA: Dont Even Ask About The File Name Just Look At It   
AG: Okay…….. so Sollux is half decent at Troll Photoshopping?  
AG: Half decent, ha. I’m funny.   
GA: The Photograph Is Not Altered In Any Respect Of The Word  
GA: That Is Truly Aradia Transformed Into A Hybrid Of Her Lusus And Herself   
AG: Oh.   
GA: I Realize How Absurd This Sounds But  
GA: Wait What Do You Mean Oh   
AG: Well, through some 8izarre turn of events, let’s just say that, somehow, I 8elieve you! May8e.  
AG: It’s just that this whole situ8ion is weirding me out, so one more shocking development isn’t really 8othering me.  
AG: Throw all your mor8id and/or ridiculous theories and freaks of nature at me! I can take it like a champ.  
AG: I mean, fuck, there’s a pile of ravaged corpses in the corner of my room, do you think aaaaaaaanything surprises me at this point?   
GA: I See  
GA: Then You Will Experience No Strong Emotion When I Tell You That You Were The One To Murder Those Trolls   
AG: Ha ha, very funny, 8ut I’m not thaaaaaaaat stupid!   
GA: You Just Said That You Were Open To Any Shocking Developments   
AG: Yeah, and then you took advantage of the moment and cracked a joke. Or tried to trick me! Either way, not a 8ad attempt, Fussyfangs. ::::)   
GA: Thank You But It Isnt A Prank   
AG: Yeah right, like I wouldn’t notice that I was suddenly a giant spider or whatever!   
GA: No You Wouldnt Actually  
GA: Aradia Didnt Know She Was A Kangaram Troll Until Sollux Snapped Her Out Of It   
AG: ……..   
GA: And If You Allow Me To Speculate I Surmise That You Are Extremely Hungry And More Irritable Than Usual Are You Not   
AG: Okay, so may8e you’re right. May8e! 8ut how would I not remem8er slaughtering half a dozen trolls?   
GA: I Dont Know For Sure But I Assume That It Is The Spider Part Of Your Being Becoming Dominant Thus Rendering Your Own Consciousness Dormant  
GA: If One Were To Approach You In The Correct Fashion I Imagine That You Would Overpower Your More Primal Half And Wake Up  
GA: At Least I Hope So  
GA: Aradia Was Apparently Easy To Awaken But For Someone Whose Lusus Is Particularly Headstrong I Fear That It Would Be More Challenging To Force The Afflicted To See Reason  
GA: It Makes Me Wonder Whether One Could Invoke His Or Her Lusus While The Troll Is Not Transfigured   
AG: Wow, this is all extremely interesting, 8ut we still have one tiny little pro8lem:  
AG: How the fuck do I get rid of her????????   
GA: We Are Trying To Ascertain A Cure But We Have Absolutely No Hint As To The Solution As Of Yet Other Than A Ruin Which Apparently Depicts Lusus Like Trolls  
GA: Until Then I Strongly Suggest That You Stay At My Hive   
AG: Huh????????  
AG: Don’t get me wrong, it would 8e gr8 to get out of this dum8 old hive, 8ut suddenly I feel like this is some ela8or8 ploy to seduce me!   
GA: Yes That Was The Plan All Along  
GA: To Give You A Reason To Come To My Hive So That I Could Court You Sensually   
AG: Yeah, see? I knew it! ::::)   
GA: But Truly My Reasons Are More Innocent  
GA: You Need Someone To Monitor You  
GA: And I Do Not Trust Certain Individuals Enough To Not Harm You   
AG: Pshhhhhhhh like I wanted to hang out with that sweaty weirdo anyway!  
AG: Anyway, I think he mentioned knowing someone with a hovercraft or something once. I could just hitch a ride over to your place! No pro8lem.  
AG: Just promise me you won’t try to 8rush my hair or put the moves on me or anything like that when I’m there!   
GA: But Your Hair Is  
GA: Sigh  
GA: Very Well   
AG: ::::)  
AG: Okay, I am going to keep investig8ing the damage here.  
AG: Even though investig8ing is more Terezi’s deal. ::::/   
GA: Okay If You Could Give Me Some Warning Before Your Departure That Would Be Appreciated   
AG: We’ll see!   
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

     When you return to the clutter of bodies, you decide that just standing there staring at it is a pretty good idea. You still feel that pull towards the puddles of colorful fluids, though you’re wise enough not to give into temptation. At least, not at first. But then you think, well, they’re already dead, what’s the big deal? And even if they weren’t dead, something would have killed them eventually, especially the lower-bloods. You probably saved them from an even worse fate. What would be so bad about blood-sucking, after all? They should be thanking you for not snapping them in two!

     Still, it strikes you as kind of gross to just lap it up from the floor like a purrbeast. Maybe you could soak it up with something? But you lent all your towels to Equius, the sweaty bastard. With a shrug, you get on your knees, supposing you don’t have much of a choice.

     You are reaching for the nearest pool when you hear something. It sounds like someone—or something—is climbing up the stairs to your respiteblock. Instinctively, your Octet is in your hand, and you back away from the murder scene, turning to face the door. The steps seem to be a bit irregular, as if the thing is unsure or injured. You ready your arm. Whatever this thing is, it’s gonna be sorry it messed with Vriska Serket.

     The door swings open. Your arm flies forward, releasing the dice. It’s a 2-1-1-4-2-1-4-5. Not the greatest toss. Upon its landing, a great blast of bluish smokescreen fills the room. You shield your eyes and start to hack unceremoniously. Well, there goes your chance for an awesome taunt. Just your luck.

     When your coughing fit ends, you realize that your opponent is coughing and cursing as well. In fact, the voice sounds painfully familiar, like claws scraping against glass. It takes a moment for the smoke to clear, but when it does, you see Terezi Pyrope standing in your doorway, looking veeeeeeeery disheveled and also quite annoyed.

     “Blar!” she exclaims, “That is not a polite way to welcome guests into your hive at all!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doodled some anatomical references for key components of each revealed were lusus so far and wrote a list of notable behaviors. Click [HERE](http://curseofthemoonbound.tumblr.com/post/21933478616/some-anatomical-references) to see.


	9. Aradia: Descend.

**Aradia: Descend.**

 

     You are now Aradia Megido, and you’re just about ready to begin your expedition. Tavros arrived a few minutes ago, much to Solllux’s disappointment (“Tavros is my friend! Plus, it’ll be better to have an extra pair of eyes,” you had insisted. Sollux just shrugged in that usual grumpy way of his).

     “Is everyone ready?” you ask.

     “Yeah, yeah, sure,” says Sollux.

     “As ready as I’m expected to be, I guess,” Tavros wavers.

     “Okay, then let’s head out!” You grab your gear, check the time, and then lead the troop away from your hive. The place is maybe thirty minutes away, luckily for you. You’d discovered it during one of your FLARPing matches, and then later explored it a little. You’d found a bunch of cool wall paintings and sculptures and stuff, but you’d had a feeling that you were missing something; it was an oddly small ruin, after all. Unfortunately, your torchgrub died, so you had to cut the investigation short.

     “Remember, everyone, be careful what you mess with!” you remind your friends. “I didn’t find any traps in my initial look-around, but I might have missed something! These kinds of places are always loaded with tricks.” Both of the trolls acknowledge.

     While you are trekking, you review the situation as it stands. You’d checked in with the others before your departure: Karkat said that he told Feferi the news and, thank the mother grub, she believed it (apparently Eridan had turned into some sort of troll-seahorse—you couldn’t help but laugh at the mental image).  They also had a “visit” from Gamzee, though you’re not really sure what’s going on there (“JUST LEAVE IT ALONE, I’VE GOT THIS,” said Karkat upon your inquiry, and that was that), so he knows the deal as well, or at least as well as Gamzee can know any deal, fact, or operation. You hadn’t heard from Equius, but Kanaya reported that she’d told Vriska about the issue and that she’d apparently be joining up with Kanaya for whatever reason. Assuming that Equius has contacted Nepeta by now, everyone seems to be well-informed with the exception of Terezi. You were pretty worried about her at first—she’s a good friend of yours, after all—but somehow you have a feeling that if anyone could survive in unfavorable circumstances, it would be her. Heck, she’d probably tamed some wraithbeasts by now.

     The trip is mostly spent in silence. By now you’ve accepted the fact that your companions aren’t as excited about exploring this place as you are. Oh well.

     Eventually you arrive at what looks a bit like the entrance to a sewer, only it’s sealed by a hatch. You skip over to it and place your hands upon it in anticipation as your friends shuffle over. Man, they are such deadbeats tonight! You hope they’ll perk up when they see the treasures inside. Well, to you they are treasures, but it’s really just a bunch of symbols and pictures and things.

     They help you turn the cog-like wheel which opens the hatch. There is a rusty metal ladder leading from the entrance down into the darkness. “Who wants to go first?” you ask.

     “Um, I think that I’d rather not go first, if that’s acceptable. But, I don’t think I want to go last either, so I think that me going second is the best idea, or at least it seems best to me…” Tavros trails off, eyes downcast.

     “Okay. I’ll lead, then. Sollux, could you cover the entrance with some leaves as you head in after us?”

     “Uh huh, whatever.”

     “Okay, here I go!” You climb over the edge of the hatch and begin to descend. Despite the obvious age of the bars, the ladder holds strong under your weight. You hear Sollux bicker with Tavros, probably telling him to get on with it. You sigh, wondering if Tavros will ever be as courageous as he dreams of being. You’d hoped that FLARPing would help, but any progress in the bravery department there was made moot by playing with Team Scourge, who get pretty serious about it (and nasty, in some incidents). You haven’t had any games with them recently, though, so maybe he really is permanently cursed with timidity. You hope not.

     Soon the three of you are down safely. You bring out a few torchgrubs and distribute them to your fellow explorers and proceed to lead the way down the tunnel. The walls of the pathway are lined with some unreadable alphabet, probably an ancient form of Alternian. The characters seem reminiscent, but not enough so that you could easily decipher it. It’s also worn away and cracked in some places. It’s a shame, you think, but there’s nothing for it but to continue to your destination.

     At last you come to a large antechamber of some sort. You quicken your pace until you reach the center, where you swerve around and gesture behind you with one hand. “Ta-da!”

     The two boys just stare behind you for a moment. Then Sollux clears his throat. “Double-A, I’m sure whatever you’re trying to show us is totally ‘wicked sicknasty’ or something, but I can’t see a damn thing for the death of me.”

     You sigh and roll your eyes. “I haven’t lit the torches yet! Tavros, if you would do the honors,” you say, handing him an incineration initiator.

     “Oh, sure, I would be really happy to, I guess, contribute. Where, uh—“ you point him to the torches on either side of you. “Oh, good.” He approaches one of the pedestals and clicks the device in his hand, staring at the flame for a moment before touching it to the flammable material. He follows suit with the next torch, then rejoins the two of you. You take both of the boys by their shoulders and rotate them so that they’re facing the main attraction.

 

 

     “Holy _shit!_ ” Sollux exclaims, voice cracking. Because before you is a huge, elaborate mural stretching from floor to ceiling, with symbolic depictions of trolls and strange creatures surrounded by odd characters and insignias. Sollux slips his colored spectacles off and rubs his eyes before replacing them upon his nose. Tavros’s mouth is agape with wonder. You approach the left side of the wall and point to one of the paintings.

     “Look, here it is! A troll fused with a kangaram! Or at least, that’s what it looks like to me.”

     “Wow, it looks really similar to a troll, I think, but also to your lusus, from what I remember,” says Tavros. “Do you know what it might possibly mean?”

     “I’m not sure, but it looks promising! Look, right above its head, there’s a weird symbol like a gear, I wonder what that means? And, hey, this is probably what you look like in the moonlight, Tavros!” You point to a large-horned bipedal figure with wings and a little tail.

     “Wow, do you think that, maybe, I could fly? With those wings, I mean to say, because they look to me like they almost like fairy wings, like Tinkerbull’s.”

     “Maybe! I don’t know.”

     “Let me guess,” Sollux mourns, “that big two-headed doofus next to him is me?”

     “Uh…” You follow his gaze; he’s looking at a hulking shape with two heads that look suspiciously like those of Sollux’s lusus, or as similar as a symbolic depiction can look. “I think he looks dashing!” Sollux scoffs at that. Or maybe it was a chuckle. You can’t tell what he means half of the time.

     “Some of these things look pretty scary,” Tavros observes. “Others look, actually, kind of nice.”

     “Yes,” you reply, “that big clawed thing looks mean. Oh, and the one with the legs! I think we know who that one is. This one here, though, with the big wings and long horns—no, not you, Tavros, the other one—I bet that one’s Kanaya.”

     “Yeah, yeah, there’s a bunch of super awesome cave paintings of weird trolls and shit. But if you’re right about them being us, I’m a little more worried about the fact that Double-F isn’t up there.” Sollux points at the spot where Feferi’s illustration would be. Instead of a drawing, it seems to be scratched away, as if vandalized.

     “Oh, that’s probably not a great sign, seeing as Feferi’s lusus is, arguably I guess, the most dangerous, so that means that she would be the most dangerous,” mumbles Tavros, face falling.

     “Huh,” you say. “That’s odd. But I’m sure there’s an explanation for it! We should keep looking around. There’s got to be more!”

     “Uh, yeah! I will definitely inspect these other walls, just in case there are secrets to be discovered by, uh, me, I suppose.”

     “Great! I’ll see if I can decipher this writing. Sollux, can you—“

     Abruptly there is a clamor surrounding you. It sounds like old parts are creaking back to life, creating a horrid wrenching, screeching noise. And yet, for a moment, nothing you see moves, until you realize that a doorway is opening in the center of the mural. Rust and dust rains down as the whole room shudders. Finally the door is open and the sounds stop, save for some small bits of debris falling to the ground from above.

     “Uhhhhhhhhh… sorry,” says Tavros, who had his hand over some sort of panel that was sticking out of the wall.

     “Well, that was fast,” states Sollux. “Way to go, T.V.”

     “Yes, good job!”

     “Oh, thank you. I was my, heh, pleasure.”

     You lead the way down the passage, which smells of dust and decay. It is dark, even though your torchgrubs are still on, and you can only see a short distance in front of you. You also seem to be descending again, albeit at only a slight decline. It is quiet, though, uncomfortably quiet, save for the sound of your footsteps. Even the whispers of the deceased which are normally omnipresent for you have gone mute.

     The trek isn’t long, however. Soon you enter a new chamber, though the obscuring shadows prevent you from guessing its size. You do see, though, one more torch to be lit. You nod to Tavros, who understands. He cracks open the incineration initiator once again and lights the substance.

     Suddenly the flame dances beyond the single torch, roaring to life along two paths stretching around a circular stone table in the center of the room. The table, which is more like a platform, you suppose, is surrounded by twelve throne-like chairs, each with a different insignia attached to it. The one furthest from you is, you assume, by far the most important; in the center of its carved symbol is a deep ruby-red orb. Oh, and there’s a troll sitting in it.

     “Uh, I don’t mean to raise alarm or anything,” whispers Tavros, “but is that a troll over there?”

     As if on cue, the stranger slowly stood up before the throne. “Nope, definitely a cholerbear,” mutters Sollux. You jab both of them in the ribs with your elbows as the mysterious troll steps onto the stone table and walks the length of it until he is standing on the edge closest to you.

     “Maybe he’s friendly,” you whisper, though you doubt it. You decide to take a chance. “Hello, there! We’re sorry we broke into your hive! We didn’t know anyone was living here.” The stranger says nothing. His expression is unreadable behind dark glasses. You realize that he is wearing armor, which strikes you as funny in combination with his shades. Scratched upon his chest plate is what you assume is his class symbol, a circle with a zigzag through it. It is unfamiliar to you, despite the fact that he appears to be a maroon-blood like yourself, and thought yourself familiar with your class’s different motifs. “You have a very nice place here,” you continue, “but we should really be going.”

     You start to back away, but all of a sudden you hear a _clang_ as a metal door drops down behind you, barring your exit. The lowblooded troll, meanwhile, draws a sword from his side. Its jagged edge (had it been snapped in two?) gleams in the orange glow of the flames. You hear Sollux summon his psiioniic powers, while on your other flank, Tavros gulps. The troll raises the blade, pointing it directly at you.

     “You’re not supposed to be here yet.”


	10. Terezi: Weave tales of wonder and awe.

**Terezi: Weave tales of wonder and awe.**

gallowsCalibrator [GC] opened memo on board DR4GONYY’YD T4L3S.   
GC: *GC D3SC3NDS FROM TH3 SKY 4ND L4NDS UPON 4 H1GH MOUNT41NTOP, FOLD1NG H3R M4GN1F1C3NT W1NGS B3H1ND H3R B4CK SO 4S NOT TO FR1GHT3N TH3 MYST1F13D TROLLS 4W41T1NG H3R*   
GC: *SH3 S1TS P4T13NTLY, W41T1NG FOR H3R F3LLOW SH4P3 SH1FT3RS TO CONGR3G4T3 4ND 4LSO FOR TH3M TO BR1NG SN4CKS FOR SH3 1S V3RY HUNGRY 4ND VR1SK4 H4S NO FOOD 4T 4LL 4T H3R H1V3*   
arsenicCatnip [AC] responded to memo.   
AC: :33 < *ac awakens from her nap as a big shadow passes over her*   
AC: :33 < *she sees the amazing return of the dragonyyyd and bounces to her paws, shouting* hey efurryone! gc is back!   
arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo.   
AG: Hey, I didn’t know we were roleplaying! I’ve 8een working on my spidersona character a loooooooot l8ely……..   
GC: NO VR1SK4 YOU M4Y NOT US3 YOUR MURD3ROUS SP1D3RSON4, 1 W4S ONLY B31NG DR4M4T1C   
GC: 4ND NOW 1 4M DR4M43D OUT SO 1 HOP3 YOU 3NJOY3D 1T WH1L3 1T L4ST3D   
GC: B3S1D3S JUDG1NG BY TH3 G14NT P1L3 OF D1ST4ST3FUL CORPS3S B4CK 4T YOUR H1V3 1D S4Y YOUV3 B33N T4K1NG YOUR ROL3PL4Y1NG 4 L1TTL3 TOO S3R1OUSLY   
GC: TH4NK GRUB J3GUS W3 4R3 GO1NG TO K4N4Y4S   
AG: >::::(   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.   
CG: DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?   
CG: DO I DETECT THE VAPID TEAL TEXT OF A CERTAIN CRETINOUS IDIOT?   
GC: BL4R K4RK4T 1 DONT H4V3 YOUR DUMB 3V1D3NC3 BUT YOU H4V3 TO B3L13V3 M3 NOW   
CG: EVIDENCE, WHAT ARE YOU   
CG: OH, THAT EVIDENCE. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THE EVIDENCE. THE EVIDENCE CAN GO ROT IN A PILE OF EXPIRED GRUBCAKES.   
CG: WAIT, YOU HAD A PILE OF CORPSES BEHIND YOU?   
GC: Yes, Vriska has taken me under her wing and is graciously providing me with shelter 8ecause she is a true friend, and anyone who ever dou8ts that is a chump!!!!!!!!   
GC: BLUH 1 D1D NOT WR1T3 TH4T, VR1SK4 P1LF3R3D TH3 K3YBO4RD FROM M3 1N 4 MOM3NT OF W34KN3SS   
AG: You know it’s true!   
GC: HOW SH3 KN3W TH3 LOC4T1ON OF MY T1CKL1SH SPOTS 1S 4 C4S3 1 M4Y N3V3R SOLV3   
AC: :33 < *ac worries her furry lip with her fangs at the thought of such a mighty dragon being subdued by a little spider!*   
AG: I’m not little! I’m, what, twice as tall as she is!   
GC: Y3AH, L3NGTHW1S3 YOU 4RE! H3H3H3H3H3   
AC: :OO < *the kitty cannot help but chuckle at this!* h33h33h33!   
CG: OKAY EVEN I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT WASN’T HALF BAD   
AG: Wow, a fat joke! I so totally did not see that coming a miiiiiiiile away.   
CG: WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN’T BECAUSE YOU SET YOURSELF UP ANYWAY.   
AG: Fuck you!   
CG: OKAY SO BEFORE THE THOUGHT OF YOU TWO SHARING A COMPUTER AND DISCREETLY TOUCHING EACH OTHER BECOMES PERMANENTLY ENGRAVED IN MY THINK PAN   
CG: WHERE THE UNDYING FUCK WERE YOU?   
GC: OH K4RK4T 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD N3V3R 4SK! >:]   
GC: SO TH3R3 1 W4S, JOURN3Y1NG OUT TO TH3 GR4ND SC4L3S LOC4T3D OUTS1D3 MY H1VE 1N ORD3R TO 1NV3ST1G4T3 MY M1SS1NG LUSUS   
GC: TO MY SURPR1S3, 1 D1D NOT 3V3N M4K3 1T FOUR ST3PS OUT TH3 3X1T! TH3 N3XT TH1NG 1 KN3W, 1 W4S 1N 4 STR4NG3 4ND UNFR13NDLY P4RT OF TH3 FOR3ST.   
CG: I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE FOREST WAS A FUCKING DEATH TRAP   
GC: QU13T YOU!   
GC: 4S 1 W4S S4Y1NG, 1 H4D NO 1D34 WH3R3 1 W4S! 3V3N W1TH MY N3W 4M4Z1NG POW3RS OF SM3LL 1 W4S 4T 4 LOSS. 1 H4D TO F1ND SH3LT3R FOR MYS3LF L3ST 1 SUCCUMB TO TH3 HOST1L3 B34STS 4ND H4RSH SUN   
GC: BUT TH3N 4S 1 S3T OUT TH3 N3XT N1GHT 1T H4PP3N3D 4G41N!   
GC: ONC3 4G41N 1 4WOK3 1N 4N UN3XP3CT4NT SPOT   
GC: BUT TH1S T1M3 1 R34L1Z3D TH4T TH3 4R34 SM3LL3D F4M1L14R! SO 1 3XPLOR3D FOR 4 F3W HOURS UNTIL WH3R3 SHOULD 1 F1ND MYS3LF BUT 4T VR1SK4’S DOORST3P!   
GC: 4ND NOW W3 4R3 ON 4 SH1P P1LOT3D BY 4 FR13ND OF 3QU1US ON OUR W4Y TO K4N4Y4S H1V3   
GC: 4ND TH4T 1S R34LLY 4LL TH3R3 1S TO S4Y ON TH3 M4TT3R   
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.   
TA: ii hate two iinterrupt such a fa2ciinatiing 2tory but we have a liittle biit of a problem.   
GC: RUD3! >:[   
CG: QUIET, YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SOLLUX? IS LOOKING AT CAVE SCRIBBLES REALLY THAT FUCKING DIFFICULT?   
TA: oh 2orry diid you want two travel a couple hundred miile2 to AA2 place? no ii diidnt thiink 2o.   
TA: a2 ii wa2 2ayiing   
TA: we found a dude.   
CG: OH MY GOD. A DUDE YOU SAY? DOES HE HAVE A FACE?   
TA: ye2 and four liimb2 two boot ehehe.   
CG: WELL I AM RELIEVED TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE BEEN UTTERLY NEGLIGENT IN YOUR INVESTIGATIVE DUTIES. I WAS GETTING WORRIED THAT WE WERE ACTUALLY MAKING SOME FUCKING PROGRESS!   
TA: no you iidiiot we found hiim iin the ruiin2.   
TA: he2 liike a guardiian or 2ome 2hiit.   
CG: OH. WELL. IS HE DEAD?   
TA: um no how would we know he2 a guardiian iif he wa2nt aliive two tell u2 that?   
TA: he 2ay2 that he cant tell u2 anythiing untiil 2omeone vii2iit2 hii2 2ii2ter or whatever fiir2t.   
TA: but he know2 about the viiru2. or more 2peciifiically he know2 that we have been changiing.   
CG: HIS SISTER? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S FULL OF GARBAGE.   
TA: no KK he2 legiit ii mean he2 got thii2 real armor and he2 been liiviing down here for miillenniia apparently.   
CG: OH WELL IF HE’S WEARING ARMOR THAN I APOLOGIZE FOR DOUBTING HIM. CLEARLY WEARING TRASH CANS GRANTS YOU SOME UNDENIABLE LISCENCE TO BE AN IMMORTAL DOUCHEBAG. HOW COULD I NOT HAVE SEEN IT BEFORE?   
TA: fuck you KK do you ju2t want two talk two him?   
CG: FUCK NO.   
timewarpedGuardian [TG] responded to memo.   
TG: dude listen   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? I TOLD YOU I AM NOT LISTENING TO THIS TOOL.   
TG: wow i dont care   
TG: ok so heres the deal   
TG: i dont know how your bros found me   
TG: must be troll scouts or whatever   
TG: got a badge for trespassing and getting into deep shit   
TG: and for selling the most grubcakes using their voodoo wiggler magic   
TG: seriously how do they make those things taste so fucking amazing   
TG: im not even being ironic here its scary   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD DO YOU EVER SHUT UP.   
TG: nah man   
TG: now listen like i was saying   
TG: theres one step someones gotta take before getting your strife on with the timelord here   
TG: which is me btw   
TG: you have to visit the bright one first   
TG: just drop in i mean she wont mind or anything   
TG: hey girl your bro said you were looking to chill   
TG: hell yeah i been sitting here for a few hundred centuries spinning yarns for the peanut gallery here   
TG: consisting of actual peanuts   
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.   
CG: WILL YOU JUST FUCKING SPILL IT ALREADY?   
TG: dude thats what im doing calm your bulge bone right the fuck down   
AC: :33 < *the kitty nods in agr33ment with the ancient knight troll* karkitty i think what he is saying is that this sister friend of his can tell us what is happening!   
TG: fuck yeah   
CG: OKAY, SO WHERE DO WE FIND THIS WISE AND TOTALLY REAL BUDDY OF YOURS? IN THE LAND OF SHIT AND SWEETS?   
TG: actually she just contacted me a minute ago before i busted your pals here   
TG: a few of you are heading over to her place rn   
GC: H3H3H3 1S 1T M3? 1 B3T 1T 1S M3 >:]   
TG: i dont know where are you   
TG: a/s/l   
GC: W3 4R3 FLY1NG OV3R SOM3 PL41NS R1GHT NOW BUT SOON W3 W1LL R34CH 4 D3S3RT   
TG: yeah thats definitely specific enough for me to know where you are   
TG: but hey who knows it cant hurt to take a look around   
TG: unless youre headed into some zombie infested apocalyptic theme park or something   
TG: hey where did the blue text troll go should they be hearing this because there is no way in hell i am repeating all this fuckery   
GC: SH3 L3FT TO 4NT4GON1Z3 TH3 4DOR4BL3 P1LOT >:] 1 W1LL F1LL H3R 1N L4T3R   
TG: how adorable is this pilot   
TG: on a scale to douche to doofus   
GC: H3 H4S BUCK F4NGS   
TG: oh shit thats precious   
TG: anyway that’s all there really is to say on the matter   
TG: until you all talk with sis your chumps are gonna be chilling with me down here   
CG: WAIT, WHAT?   
TG: yep   
TG: see you   
timewarpedGuardian [TG] banned himself from responding to memo.   
CG: WAIT HE CAN DO THAT?   
CG: OH WHO THE FUCK EVEN CARES.   
CG: NOW THAT WE’RE DONE SITTING THROUGH THAT BULLSHITSTORM, LET’S COME UP WITH A PLAN.   
GC: 1 4LR34DY H4V3 4 PL4N K4RK4T   
GC: VRI1SK4 K4N4Y4 4ND 1 W1LL LOOK FOR TH3 SUSP3CT 1N TH3 D3S3RT   
CG: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS. I AM READING A JOKE HERE, AREN’T I?   
GC: >:[   
CG: YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT BULGEPUSHER? THAT HE’S SOME WISE ANCIENT DEMIGOD HERE TO GUIDE US ON SOME PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT TO OUR OWN POINTLESS FRIVOLITY?   
GC: NO 1 TH1NK H3 1S JUST H3R3 TO H3LP US OR 4T L34ST T3LL US WH4TS GO1NG ON ONC3 W3 M33T TH1S P4RTN3R OF H1S   
GC: B3S1D3S 1 DONT SM3LL YOU COM1NG UP W1TH 4NY 1D34S MR CR4BBY GULCH!   
CG: I HAVE SO MANY PLANS, YOUR ROTTED PAN CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND. IN FACT, ONE MIGHT SAY THAT I HAVE AS MANY PLANS AS A TROLL CAN CONCEIVABLY HAVE, AND THEY ARE ALL IN A METAPHORICAL PHASE OF ACTION WHEREIN THEY ARE STEAMING LIKE A HOT PIECE OF METAL, READY TO BE POUNDED INTO SHAPE.   
GC: 1 C4NT T3LL 1F YOU H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO K4N4Y4 OR VR1SK4 TOO MUCH >:/   
CG: OH, FUCK OFF. FINE, GO WANDERING THROUGH THE DESERT LIKE A WANDERING VAGABOND LOOKING FOR A PRICKLESHRUB TO GNAW. I WILL BE HERE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY FUCKING PRODUCTIVE.   
GC: >:]   
CG closed memo.


	11. Kanaya: Be an excellent hostess.

**Kanaya: Be an excellent hostess.**

     You are reading the latest novel in a series by your favorite author when you hear a whirring sound steadily grow in volume. Your pulse picks up in excitement and you drop the book onto your pile of colorful pillows. You hurry outside to greet your visitors, but not before taking a moment to straighten out your clothes and make sure you look perfectly presentable. Your eyes are a little droopy, for you would normally be asleep at this time, but one must make sacrifices in order to better accommodate the sleeping patterns of one’s guests.

     Landing just outside your lawnring is a somewhat small, blue aircraft. Once it touches down, it takes a moment for the engine to wind down and the side door to open. When they finally do, out steps a troll that you don’t quite recognize, followed by Terezi (whom you thought was missing but apparently not? You can’t say you’re completely surprised) and Vriska. You walk out to meet them halfway.

     “Hi!” says the unfamiliar troll. “I’m John Egbert.”

     “Kanaya Maryam. It is a pleasure to meet you.” He has about the strangest name you’ve ever heard, but you don’t point that out, of course. “I am guessing that you are the pilot of this airborne vehicle?”

     “Yes I am! It’s called the Breeze. It’s probably the coolest ride on Alternia!” He takes a moment to laugh at his own joke. It’s not a very good one, you think.

     “Hi Kanaya!” You are suddenly attacked by a very enthusiastic Terezi, who latches around your waist like a little tentacleterror. Her forehead nearly knocks into your chin.

      “Hello, Terezi. I thought you were declared ‘missing in action’?”

     “It’s a loooooooong story,” says Vriska, stepping forward, her hands in her pockets. Unlike the other two, she gives no indication of wanting to lay a hand on you. She does, however, give a small, weary smile as she says, “Hi, Kanaya.”

     “It’s not _that_ long,” Terezi declares. “Come on, Kanaya, be a gentleman and show us around your hive! Where do you keep all the secret passages to heathen ruins? Hehehehe!” She scampers off to who-knows-where.

     “Heathen ruins?” you echo.

     Vriska rolls her eyes. “Nitram, Megido, and Captor found some weirdo who says we have to find his teammate around here who will tell us what the hell is going on.”

     “Ah.” You take a moment to absorb that very detailed and informative piece of information. “And… that is why you decided to come here.”

     “No, we didn’t find out until we were halfway here. But the sooner we find this bitch, the better. Especially since…” She makes a face and tenses up. You raise your eyebrows a bit, thinking she is just being overdramatic as usual, until you realize how she must be feeling. You don’t know her lusus as well as Vriska does, but you know that she wasn’t—isn’t—an easy force to suppress. Hesitantly, you place a hand upon her shoulder. She leers at you out of the corners of her eyes until you brush a thumb across her cheek. Her expression softens and she leans into your hand, eyes now shut. John mumbles awkwardly and shuffles away somewhere.

     “Hey!” shouts Terezi, who is peeking out of a nearby bush. “If you two are done with your explicit shoosh-papping, we have an investigation to begin!” At this, Vriska pushes your hand away with a scowl and starts to walk away.

     “What was that about a temple?” asks John.

     “Not a temple necessarily, but some sort of ancient, abandoned structure, apparently,” you answer. “Some of our companions are under the impression that finding it is the key to solving a… conundrum that we have been investigating. Allegedly there is some wise being that wishes to speak with us.”

     “Oh! Is that where we are?” You look at him with what you imagine to be a puzzled expression. “Uh… I mean… ha ha ha, there are so many wreckages and stuff around here, it could be any of them! Ha ha ha!”

     “Wait a goddamned second,” Vriska growls, storming back over, shouldering you out of the way to face John. “You _know_ something about this place, don’t you? Answer me!”

     “Yes! Er, no! I can’t tell you!” John struggles under the blueblood’s glare. You wonder if she’s getting anything out of his mind while he’s vulnerable.

     Apparently not, because in the next instant she seizes him by the collar with both hands and practically screams in his face, “Listen, beaverbeast-fangs, I ain’t got the _patience_ or _self-control_ to deal with any of this _cryptic bullshit_! I am holding back eight tons of _giant-angry-fucking-spider-hunger_ , so if I fly completely off the handle, out of the handle’s fucking _solar system_ , it sure as _fuck_ isn’t going to be _my_ fault!”

     “L-listen, you don’t understand—“

     “I don’t think _you_ understand that I am about to rip your fucking _wind chute_ out of your scrawny little throat!” Her face is contorted into an indescribable embodiment of fury, and you swear her fangs are even longer than usual. Alarmed, you make as if to separate the two, until Vriska tightens and snaps, “ _Don’t touch me!”_  You curse yourself for leaving your strife specibus in your respite block. Not that you would hurt either of them, but you find that in these situations, the roar of a chainsaw speaks louder than words.

     John struggles in her grasp, attempting to free himself, but it is no use. She gives him a shake and he yelps. “Okay, okay! I’ll tell you, just let me go!” Vriska shoves him and he falls right to the ground, landing with a thud. You help him up, brushing some of the dirt off of his blue hoodie. “Okay,” he says again. “I think I know the place you’re looking for. A temple with a troll living in it, right?”

     “Yeah.”

     “I will take you there! As long as you promise not to go psycho on me or anything. Like you did just then.”

     “Only if _you_ promise that this isn’t some stupid trick,” Vriska growls.

     “Of course! Cross my blood pusher! I’ll get you there and then after you’re done investigating, I’ll even take you back to your hive, or, uh, her hive,” he says, tipping his head toward you.

     “Hmmmmmmmm.” Vriska narrows her eyes. “Fine. But we’ll be watching you very closely! No funny business!”

     “Aw, no funny business? Darn it… oh, you mean, _that_ kind of funny business. In that case, no mischief whatsoever! Trollscout’s honor! Not that I was ever a Trollscout, eheheh.”

     You and Vriska glance at each other. Terezi has miraculously appeared between you two, covered in twigs and dirt. “Well, what are we waiting for?” she says, sounding rather spirited. “Let’s move out!” She skips over to the aircraft.

     “Right now? Though you’ve only just arrived?” you worry in dismay.

     “Mother. Fucking. Spider-hunger,” states Vriska simply. You sigh, supposing she is right to want to get this over with, and approach the vehicle.


End file.
